P90X is Not For Fat People

Is there anything that will decrease the mass of your legs? My thighs are so big squirrels bring me their nuts to crack. Seriously, I wake up in the morning and I see them all at my porch with those sad squirrely eyes, holding up their nuts.

Gawd there’s a nut joke in there somewhere but it’s too early to crack one.

Anyway, I saw some of the routines for P90x and said, FUCK THAT. You have to be ripped to begin with. It’s like those damn Pantene Pro-V commercials where the women have immaculate hair. It’s like they picked out women with already gorgeous hair to do their commercials to say, hey you can have hair like this if you use our product when those women who are in the commercial already have flawless hair to begin with.

Yeah, whatever, YOUR MOM.

I’ve known a few people who have already gotten injured, some incurring a wrathful trip to the doctor, from P90X. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, I’m saying, it really does work, but you can’t be a fatass and go into it all EXTREME!!1.

I feel like I need a six pack before I can work on the 12.

Gawd I want beer now.

And for fun: